dear buffy

Dear Buffy at 13,

You are deeply okay under all the layers of shame and searing worry that you feel. It seems big right now, the acne, the popular crew’s disdain for you, your ache for belonging and boys and your place in the world.

There is so much coming, and you will collect you people along the way. You won’t believe it quite yet, but one day you will go make up free and feel beautiful. You will move through the world without overwhelm and hiding from what belongs to you. Eventually, you will love your dark, full eyebrows and your strong calves, and you will grow into your ribcage and become an athlete.

You dearly love ballet now, and that will always play a part. But you will begin to soften the margins and be able to speak through storytelling and writing, and not have to always rely on silence and dance to speak your insides.

It gets better the older you get. When you are twenty-two you will meet Ingrid, and she will read your palm at a restaurant in Chicago. She will tell you that according to your palm lines, you will not have to worry about money and you will still be able to live a creative life. Believe her- because she is correct.

Please stop grinding your teeth because that causes some dental problems later and it could save you some frustration and despair. You will go through some men who do not belong to you, two who abuse you, and one who breaks you into tiny pieces. You will repair, my dear, and the one you land on is like no other.

Pay close attention to Benjamin. Enjoy him, listen to him, but know you will have to let him go. It will be the thing that changes everything. You will think you cannot recover, and you might die yourself. But you don’t. This is the place where it all begins, and Benjamin becomes an angel ally who you feel in every day. Your work rests on his legacy, and you become even more of yourself through the intense navigation of this heartbreak.

Your mom lives long and nearby, and you remain lucky in that for many years. Your children and your husband will love her too, and you will be able to manage the demons you were born with small and manageable practices. To keep them away you must move daily, sit still, and write to shake the stories out. If you do those things, you will always be okay.

Maybe stop drinking cokes, now. In the south, people do not really consider the damage it does, but you will discover later that water is the best path. And please don’t smoke, even though you want to. The boys in the band room will fade away after a few hot years.

As Patabhi Jois said, “Do your practice and all is coming.” Let that be the words you keep nearby your body and your process, because it proves to be true in your life. From my vantage point at forty-seven, you get more comfortable in your own skin every year. Knowing that, you might as well start now.

Love,

Buffy

p.s. On the morning of June 25, 2004, be extra soft with yourself. There is a storm rolling in, and it will take your whole house and everything you know to be true. Your mom will be there with you. Feel it all, and trust your instincts are going to guide you. And that man Darrin you had a date with last night, he doesn’t last but he will offer the first white dove in a devastating journey. Thank him and be on your way without a next thought. Much more than you can imagine is fertile, deep underneath the ground.